Making friends as an adult can seem harder than during school or college years. You no longer meet the same people daily, and new relationships need time to grow.
However, researchers consulted by CNN say that there are a few simple things that can help: returning to places where you meet the same people, giving them a chance to get to know you, and keeping in touch even when you only have a few minutes.
For Jaimie Krems, the interest in friendship stemmed from a painful experience. In 2008, when she was just over 20 years old, she discovered conversations on her own computer in which one of her closest friends was talking about her with their roommate. "I was simply devastated," she recalls.
She wanted to understand how two close people could hurt a third in such a way. Today, she heads the Friendship Research Center at the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA) and says that adult friendships have received too little attention from researchers.
Krems recalls an analysis by researcher Julianne Holt-Lunstad, according to which the lack of social connections is associated with health risks comparable to smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day. It is a comparison of risks, not a statement that loneliness acts on the body in the same way as smoking. In 2023, American health authorities issued a warning about loneliness and social isolation.
"Even though friendship seems like something magical, it also involves skills that can be learned," says Krems.
Go where people meet often
According to the researcher, forming a friendship requires two things: frequent interactions and a mutual desire to spend time together. The former can be influenced more easily. If you regularly go to the same place, the chances of meeting someone you get along with increase. It could be an art class or even a café you visit weekly.
Sociologist Janice McCabe from Dartmouth recommends places where many people are open to meeting new individuals. It matters that there are natural conversation opportunities: in an improvisation class, for example, participants end up working together, and those who go running in a group can chat along the way.
McCabe suggests considering the experiences you share with others. People who have moved to another country often hope to make friends with locals, but they can find close connections among individuals from other parts of the world going through the same change.
A favor can bring two people closer
After the first meetings, how do you move from acquaintance to friend? One gesture that can help is to ask for a favor. Krems notes that many things we used to ask friends for, from a ride to the airport to shopping when we're sick, can now be handled through an app. Thus, we also miss opportunities to help each other.
We hesitate to ask for help, fearing to burden others. But, the researcher says, we can also look at it from the other angle: "If I can do a favor for a friend, I feel great. I feel good all day. Imagine you could give someone that feeling."
Friendship is formed more easily when you talk about things that matter to you. Alison Nagel, a professor at the University of Virginia, shows that when one person opens up a little, the other is more willing to do the same. This can increase the trust between them.
You don't need to tell everything at once. As a guideline, Nagel suggests asking yourself if you would say the same thing to a stranger on the bus. If the answer is no, you've probably started sharing something more personal. The pace matters: "You can speak openly about yourself without expecting the other person to be ready for a closeness they're not prepared for yet," she says.
Call your friend, even if you only have 5 minutes
Once formed, friendship needs contact. Krems says not to wait until you find two free hours for a long call: call your friend even when you can only talk for a few minutes. "The five minutes of authentic connection are much more valuable than the call you keep intending to make," she said in a TEDx talk.
Nagel gives a small example: you want to prepare the dish your aunt used to make for you as a child. You can look up the recipe online or call her to ask. The second option also offers you the opportunity for a conversation. Repeated, such moments help maintain connections with people in our lives.
Social relationships are associated, according to research cited by Krems, with better stress management and health benefits. She summarizes their value as follows: "If friendship were a drug, it would be the most prescribed in history."
G.P.