Research on happiness has usually focused on the appreciation we feel towards others. However, two American researchers argue that we need to look at this idea differently to find out what makes us happy.
Sonja Lyubomirsky has been a top researcher in the field of happiness science in the United States for almost half a century. Yes, this field exists, and throughout her career, people have asked her the eternal question: what is the secret of happiness?
Dr. Lyubomirsky, a psychology professor at the University of California, Riverside, has always been bothered by this question.
When asked to respond, she told The New York Times that she usually says something like: "Connection and relationships. Positive thinking, which includes gratitude. And the feeling of having control over your own life."
However, if she had to choose one thing, the secret of happiness is "feeling loved, being appreciated," she said.
This is the premise of her latest book, "How to Feel Loved", co-written with Harry Reis, a psychology professor at the University of Rochester specializing in the study of close relationships.
Research on love and happiness has usually focused on the appreciation we feel towards others. However, as Dr. Lyubomirsky and Dr. Reis argue in their book, what truly makes us happy is how much appreciation we feel we receive in return.
The authors write that people who want to feel more appreciated tend to adopt one of two approaches, which are not necessarily effective:
- try to change themselves ("if only I were better, kinder, more attractive, etc.");
- try to change the other person ("if my partner would finally understand my love language!").
However, if you want to feel more loved, Dr. Lyubomirsky and Dr. Reis suggest, don't waste your energy trying to change someone. Change how you approach conversations instead.
Listen better and you will be more appreciated
To feel more appreciated by others, you need to start by making them feel appreciated by you, write the authors. And becoming a better listener is one of the most powerful ways to achieve this.
Many of us believe we are good listeners, but in reality, most of the time we are just waiting for our turn to speak, Dr. Lyubomirsky said. In fact, she herself admitted to struggling with this issue, as reported by the American newspaper.
Therefore, Lyubomirsky recommends adopting a mindset of "listening to learn." Specifically, shift your focus from providing a response to understanding.
"We all know that feeling: when someone is extremely curious about you, as if they can't wait to hear your story. Their eyes sparkle. They lean towards you," Dr. Lyubomirsky said.
Such a way of listening - authentic and focused - is rare, she said, and has a very strong impact.
"When a person truly feels seen, appreciated, and understood by you, they become more willing, more motivated, and even eager to do the same for you," write the authors.
However, becoming a better listener requires practice. Here are some simple recommendations:
- do not interrupt the other person and do not offer advice unless the person you are talking to asks for it, Dr. Lyubomirsky said.
- ask additional questions. Dr. Reis often uses three words that, he says, almost always yield results: "Tell me more."
Focus on a single relationship
Instead of trying to change how you interact with everyone in your life, Dr. Lyubomirsky recommends choosing one person from whom you want to feel more appreciation and starting with them. It could be someone you are already close to, such as a partner or a parent. Or it could be a colleague you would like to get to know better, she said.
Romantic relationships are not the only context where you can feel appreciated, and this feeling is not limited to a few close relationships, the authors argue.
After selecting the target person, make a plan to improve yourself: in the next week, have three conversations with that person where you make an effort to show genuine curiosity, Dr. Lyubomirsky recommended. The authors of the mentioned volume believe that giving and receiving love works like a seesaw: you lift a person with your interest and attention, and they do the same for you.
"And the other part is very important," said Dr. Reis. "Sharing what matters to you, talking about things that concern you, so that the relationship truly becomes a mutual exchange."
Reciprocity is not guaranteed, but it represents a strong social norm, he added. We tend to respond carefully and kindly to those who show us these feelings.
Know when to let go
Of course, sometimes you can do everything to listen and be open, and the other person gives you nothing in return. If this is the case - or if you find it hard to find genuine curiosity within yourself - these are signs that it may not be the right relationship to invest a lot of effort and energy into.
"Sometimes we choose the wrong person from whom we want to feel more appreciated," Dr. Lyubomirsky said.
Consider questions like:
- Does this person "understand" me at some level or at least show interest in doing so?
- When I talked about my difficulties or imperfections, did they show curiosity and listen enthusiastically?
Ultimately, Dr. Lyubomirsky hopes that people will be encouraged by the idea that, if they choose wisely - and focus on how they approach conversations - they will start to feel more appreciation and, consequently, more happiness.
"The feeling of being appreciated is not something you cannot control," emphasize the two researchers.
T.D.